Do you ever wake up and have one of those days? You know where no matter what happens it's just a bad day. You feel like the worst mother on the face of the planet and have no motivation to do anything about it. The house is a mess the kids are a mess and you yourself-heaven forbid there's a moment you see your reflection in the mirror as you pass by and realize the mess you are yourself? You're sporting some seriously tangled bed head, tear stained, puffy-eyed swamp witch kind of mess. What do you do? All I want or feel like doing is hiding and hoping I snap out of it eventually.
Well, I put on Toy Story( the current favorite and overplayed movie these days), put Max to bed and climbed back in my bed and pulled the covers over my head and cried. I left the remains from breakfast to contaminate my unkept kitchen, I should have found something for myself to eat but ignored the grumbling pains in my stomach. (yes, even I didn't get around to really cleaning my house this week). I made sure the dead bolt was turned to prevent Gavin from displaying his bottomless self to my neighbors today, and I wasn't even sure if I would have it in me to chase after him if he did venture out half naked. I took a few ibuprofens and got lost in my thoughts, which only seemed to last a few minutes. Gavin came in and was bouncing on the bed, Max woke up and it was time to change some nasty poop and make something for lunch. I had to fight back the urge to just lock myself away and hope they could fend for themselves until Andy would come home.
When the phone rang I took a deep breath and answered calmly each of the six times and carried on like any other ordinary day. Why did I do that? One, I didn't want to make my mom worry about me, really she doesn't need that. Two, my visiting teachers hardly know me and um well, I had to be nice because I don't want to regret saying something later because I couldn't control my bad mood, I try to avoid drama at all costs so it's best to leave some thoughts unsaid. Three, I adore Karin and she is too far away to help me snap out of it and pig out on cheesecake or something artery clogging and delicious(I can't wait to visit her in a few weeks). After that I stopped answering because I couldn't pretend anymore. Hormones are a nightmare I must say. Sure they do wonders for annoyingly painful ovarian cysts and such, but those few days out of every month are really unbearable. I really feel like I am out of control and don't even know who this person is in my body. It's like night and day difference except it happens at any moment no matter what time of day and almost for no particular reason either. I am a control/clean freak and this is something that drives me crazy because as much as I try to get a grip I can't. Grief is a very difficult emotion to deal with all by itself and then when other thin gs get piled on top....I just want to scream. I am not one to ask for help and cry out for attention but I highly doubt I am the only woman that gets like this. I don't need sympathy, but needed to get this off my chest and hope other's can sort of relate. (heaven forbid they read my ranting.)
So when Max woke up I put him next to Gavin with a bowl of goldfish crackers and stared at the wall as I sat on the couch and began to sob some more. It's a very good thing Andy's photo shoot rescheduled and he came home when he did. I was done! I managed to pull myself together slightly and watch SYTYCD while Andy took the kids off my hands and got them to bed etc. Thanks a million! My house still isn't clean, I still feel rotten and just want some dang cheese fries. What a long and awful day.
But I will have you know I did take a shower today and my kids were fully dressed, a step in the right direction to say the least. I am guessing I will be back to my perfectly normal happy life in another day or so....or so help Andy! Not that my life is ever perfect and far from normal but lately it has been so far out there that anything will seem normal in comparison.
Well, I put on Toy Story( the current favorite and overplayed movie these days), put Max to bed and climbed back in my bed and pulled the covers over my head and cried. I left the remains from breakfast to contaminate my unkept kitchen, I should have found something for myself to eat but ignored the grumbling pains in my stomach. (yes, even I didn't get around to really cleaning my house this week). I made sure the dead bolt was turned to prevent Gavin from displaying his bottomless self to my neighbors today, and I wasn't even sure if I would have it in me to chase after him if he did venture out half naked. I took a few ibuprofens and got lost in my thoughts, which only seemed to last a few minutes. Gavin came in and was bouncing on the bed, Max woke up and it was time to change some nasty poop and make something for lunch. I had to fight back the urge to just lock myself away and hope they could fend for themselves until Andy would come home.
When the phone rang I took a deep breath and answered calmly each of the six times and carried on like any other ordinary day. Why did I do that? One, I didn't want to make my mom worry about me, really she doesn't need that. Two, my visiting teachers hardly know me and um well, I had to be nice because I don't want to regret saying something later because I couldn't control my bad mood, I try to avoid drama at all costs so it's best to leave some thoughts unsaid. Three, I adore Karin and she is too far away to help me snap out of it and pig out on cheesecake or something artery clogging and delicious(I can't wait to visit her in a few weeks). After that I stopped answering because I couldn't pretend anymore. Hormones are a nightmare I must say. Sure they do wonders for annoyingly painful ovarian cysts and such, but those few days out of every month are really unbearable. I really feel like I am out of control and don't even know who this person is in my body. It's like night and day difference except it happens at any moment no matter what time of day and almost for no particular reason either. I am a control/clean freak and this is something that drives me crazy because as much as I try to get a grip I can't. Grief is a very difficult emotion to deal with all by itself and then when other thin gs get piled on top....I just want to scream. I am not one to ask for help and cry out for attention but I highly doubt I am the only woman that gets like this. I don't need sympathy, but needed to get this off my chest and hope other's can sort of relate. (heaven forbid they read my ranting.)
So when Max woke up I put him next to Gavin with a bowl of goldfish crackers and stared at the wall as I sat on the couch and began to sob some more. It's a very good thing Andy's photo shoot rescheduled and he came home when he did. I was done! I managed to pull myself together slightly and watch SYTYCD while Andy took the kids off my hands and got them to bed etc. Thanks a million! My house still isn't clean, I still feel rotten and just want some dang cheese fries. What a long and awful day.
But I will have you know I did take a shower today and my kids were fully dressed, a step in the right direction to say the least. I am guessing I will be back to my perfectly normal happy life in another day or so....or so help Andy! Not that my life is ever perfect and far from normal but lately it has been so far out there that anything will seem normal in comparison.
7 comments:
Maybe this is weird, but I must admit I enjoyed reading this post. I have had so many days like that recently!!! What a relief to know I'm not the only one. :)
I completely understand. I was up so much with Connor last night that I remember thinking in my half asleep/half awake state "It's ok, I'll just call in sick tomorrow..." I remembered in the morning that I can't do that anymore.
Love, it's not just hormones, it's called grief mixed with hormones. . .never a good combo, and those of us who have experienced tragic death as young as we have get to live with these bouts of emotions every month times 10! Hang in there.. . completely underestand, let's just hope our hubby's do!
Sounds like a rough day, to say the least. But you're a great mom and just getting out of bed is a step in the right direction. Hang in there and maybe it wouldn't be so bad if your mom knew how you felt. Maybe she's had days like that herself and can totally relate.
Hope today is a better day:) Don't underestimate yourself.
You didn't hide it very well. Okay, that is probably because you told me you were having a horrible day! I'm sorry. I'm glad Andy took you away for a night though. Hope things are better. See you soon!
Karin
You know what the great thing about feeling sadness or pain is? Once you feel it, it can pass. It seems to me like once you let yourself grieve or have a good cry, you are able to move on (like take a shower, do the dishes ) the next day. Even if it only improves a millimeter, that is an improvement! I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but oh well I said it. And you are right. A lot of women feel that way. Every person has their days where everything just seems incredibly hard. You are a brave person for voicing it. Go you.
I couldn't have said it better myself!
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