The journey may be short

Over the past few days I have had several people bring up President Monson's conference talk about Finding Joy in the Journey. As with every holiday it is a bittersweet occasion. I sure appreciate being able to enjoy those particular days through my boys shrills of excitement and laughter. I do my best to make the most of each holiday because I know someday I might not get the chance. I already have so many "wished I could have...should have done" type of regrets. I miss my brother like crazy. Every get together there is a feeling of sadness, not quite emptiness but more so that someone very dear to me is missing. I know it isn't emptiness because my boys and husband do such a wonderful job and making me smile and filling my heart with joy, they make holidays so fun. But I am definitely not feeling full of joy and excitement. The reality that Eric isn't going to show up is hard to face. He's not going to be there to wrestle with his nephews or get a wedgie from his brother or play computer games all day with Andy or tell me how tired he is or talk about girls. I try my best to go about most days as if he is just on a fun adventurous vacation and that he will be back soon but it's those special holidays that really give me a check into reality. But I am learning to cherish what I have left, that is what Eric would want me to do..and maybe try and give Jeremy a wedgie or soemthing for a little payback. Family is everything, do what you can to keep that perspective!

As I read over President Monson's talk it has really helped me prioritize the day to day moments. After losing Eric I was stuck. It has taken a long time to get myself to where I am. I am able to get out of bed and start my day with kisses from my boys, lots of hugs and lots of tickles. I am able to relax a bit more(I'm still very ocd and particular but I'm much much better than I have been). I am finding little things to laugh about and enjoy. I want so badly to remember more moments like this with my kids that I let pass by because of my depression. The most important people in my life are my husband and my little boys. I don't want to live with more regrets. I want them to remember me as a happy, healthy fun, caring mom who enjoyed taking them to the park and playing outside. I want them to remember that I let them eat popsicles and get all sticky and it's okay to eat with their fingers and just be a kid. Hands are washable, walls and clothes are too. If I could only teach my kids one thing,it would be to just be happy-that way they would spread their happiness to others and with happiness you are able to love often, laugh often and not stress over the little things. Some of you know I am on medication to help...and well the rest of you know now. My point in sharing something so personal is that I hope that this might help anyone else who is feeling out of sorts with their life, that they might get help. It isn't fair to your loved ones to watch you wither away. The world makes it seem like postpartum depression is a weakness or makes you a bad mom. They are so wrong! Add severe grief on top of that and you find yourself buried alive. This is when hopefully you or someone you love gets you the help you need. I will always miss Eric, life isn't the same without him. I know I will still have hard days, moments etc. but I want to live with him again so I need to keep going. Live life to the fullest. A good piece of advice I received from a special friend is that no matter where you go or who you meet everyone is going through something difficult-it's not fair to compare but it is possible to have compassion and forgiveness. Most people don't know what you are going through but they DO care about you. Everyone says something they don't mean at one time or another. I know I have and still do. But most people mean well.

Acknowledge life WHILE you live it! Be thankful for your blessings! I am doing my best to do this now. I am so blessed and so happy to have so many people that I love and cherish. Thank you for putting up with me. I'm not 100% yet and may never be but I'm sure going to try. Life sure is great through a child's eyes.