It's one of those days that you want to completely surrender to your depression and aching heart. You want to stay in bed, hide under the covers and give in. I'm torn.
On one hand I want to stay strong, I have learned to be really strong from day to day, it hasn't been easy and I'm not as strong as I want to be. I'm not always good at coping, getting out and shopping or stuffing my face with yummy fattening food and a visit with a good friend just doesn't cut it. But to completely fall apart now feels like defeat. If I succumb to today can I pick myself up again tomorrow, or the next time I crumble? I have a family to take care of, and responsibilities. On the other hand, it's good to let it out and have time to continue to grieve. Some days I just don't want to keep it together. I want to hide and just not care about ANYTHING. I want to be selfish. I want to be miserable. I want to remember WHO I lost and just how BROKEN my heart is. Some days I don't feel like hearing people say"he's in a better place, he wouldn't want you to feel this way, you have to stay strong, it will get easier" ( this one is the worst) and so many other ideas people have about loss. Loss is so entirely different for everyone. By writing I feel like I'm taking a little bit of control today and hey, I got out of bed, took Gav to school and even did a load of dishes. Now it's onto baking some birthday cupcakes to take to the cemetery. I might even shower and girly up and take the boys out for our tradition of barbecued ribs. Once you make yourself get going with the day you are somehow blessed with the strength to keep pushing forward. But just because I do it today doesn't mean I won't hide in bed all day tomorrow or some other day. I will always miss him, my life is forever changed and I'm just blessed to have had 20 years with the best little brother in the world.
On one hand I want to stay strong, I have learned to be really strong from day to day, it hasn't been easy and I'm not as strong as I want to be. I'm not always good at coping, getting out and shopping or stuffing my face with yummy fattening food and a visit with a good friend just doesn't cut it. But to completely fall apart now feels like defeat. If I succumb to today can I pick myself up again tomorrow, or the next time I crumble? I have a family to take care of, and responsibilities. On the other hand, it's good to let it out and have time to continue to grieve. Some days I just don't want to keep it together. I want to hide and just not care about ANYTHING. I want to be selfish. I want to be miserable. I want to remember WHO I lost and just how BROKEN my heart is. Some days I don't feel like hearing people say"he's in a better place, he wouldn't want you to feel this way, you have to stay strong, it will get easier" ( this one is the worst) and so many other ideas people have about loss. Loss is so entirely different for everyone. By writing I feel like I'm taking a little bit of control today and hey, I got out of bed, took Gav to school and even did a load of dishes. Now it's onto baking some birthday cupcakes to take to the cemetery. I might even shower and girly up and take the boys out for our tradition of barbecued ribs. Once you make yourself get going with the day you are somehow blessed with the strength to keep pushing forward. But just because I do it today doesn't mean I won't hide in bed all day tomorrow or some other day. I will always miss him, my life is forever changed and I'm just blessed to have had 20 years with the best little brother in the world.
The world's most contagious smile:)
Families are forever! I would be NOTHING with out my Savior and the Gospel in my life.
This picture makes me cry. It was taken inside his beloved jeep. He was so proud of it. Every time I see a jeep completely covered in mud I think of him and all the fun and adventure he brought to this life.Happy 24th Eric! I have been telling myself since you passed away that we would celebrate your life on this day, even though you are no longer with us. I try to muster up the strength to make it a happy day but continue to fail. I miss you more than words can express. The hole in my heart is as big as ever. There's still not a day that goes by that I don't think of you, and what you are up to, what we'd be doing if you were still here with us, and just how big of a hug I would give you. I'm so blessed to be your sister and blessed to have great memories. To honor your special day we baked a tastier version of your first birthday cake. I can't wait until I get to see you again! Thank you for watching over me and especially your little nephews, they love and admire you even while you are in heaven.
3 comments:
Very deep and poinant thoughts, Em. I think it's okay to have those day now and then where you don't get out of bed. Then when you do make yourself move again somehow you feel you can go on. Thinking of you.
Glad you decided to go out after all. Hope you feel better in the morning (from your cold) and that you find ways to better cope with everything else. Sorry about Eric.
My friend Michelle wrote a beautiful thing about grieving- you should read it- go to this link... http://thelarsenfiles.blogspot.com/2010/08/lazarus.html
she talks about how Christ wept with Martha when Lazarus had died- even though in a few minutes he was going to bring him back to life. He didn't tell Martha not to grieve, he didn't tell her everything would be all right... he just cried with her. I think it is ok to cry. I think it is an emotionally healing to mourn those you loved. One of the apostles said that mourning shows how much you truly loved that person. It feels good to have a big cry and sad day. We came to earth to experience the bad and good. One day (which will seem like forever) all the grief and sadness will turn to complete joy. So give yourself permission to mourn and have a sad day. I hope you can feel him near you!!!
Please let me know if you need anything! I can take the boys so you can have a day to cry or do whatever.
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