I will never forget

From the moment I was told what happened I never thought I'd be able to laugh again, or fully function as a human being. I thought of raising two kids would be impossible and I would be forever depressed. My life would be and has been forever changed. If I could do anything to change what happened, to get him back I would, I would give anything for one more day to go rock climbing, shopping, I'd even learn how to play his silly starcraft computer game. The nightmares of his small body being crushed aren't as frequent but they are still there. The hardest part about moving froward in life is knowing you have to live each day with out them, and in my case, you never had proper closure. They were taken from this earth too soon. I didn't get to say goodbye and give one last hug. Or look deep into his eyes and let Eric know JUST. HOW. MUCH. I LOVE. HIM.

I really cannot believe that it has been three years(tomorrow) without my baby brother. That is Max's entire life. I've had Max for as long as I've been so empty and torn apart from losing Eric. Eric was a very special part of my family. His personality meant so much to everyone. He had so much happiness to share, love to give and we had become very close. He was the cutest uncle, even willing to change some poopy diapers, he loved life and the adventures that were out there for the taking. I will never be that adventurous but remembering him gives me courage to try, a willingness to explore and discover. I see so many of his characteristics in Max everyday. I'm so grateful I was blessed with my angel baby, I would not be where I am without him and the pieces of Eric he shares with me daily. God knew I needed Max to keep me going when it was time for Heavenly Father to have Eric's special spirit back with him. This was an important discovery as I grieved.

I am so blessed to have a loving, hardworking husband and two very busy, loving funny, special boys. Not a day goes by that Eric isn't watching over Max. He needs it! I know Eric softens those falls, the bumps and bruises. I know he whispers to me to check on Max, to do certain things just to keep my crazy busy boy safe. You may think I'm insane but if you knew all of the close calls, and adventures we've had with Max you would wonder how the heck he's never had stitches, broken bones etc. ( I know those may come, that's life with boys but I'm not ready for a first name basis at the ER). Life is such an impossible thing to understand. I don't know how people can deny that God exists, that there is nothing after death. My heart is full today because of the gospel. I would be a very different person today and mother if it weren't for my Savior. My eternal perspective keeps me in check. I know I mentally check out from time to time still and really let my emotions and frustrations take over but I always check back in and I can now say "I'm okay". Am I always "okay"...NO far from it but I am so glad that I have a lot more of those days and moments that I really am okay. My life is full of positive, fun, laugh out loud,excitement, and disappointment. That is life. You can only control the way you choose to live it and with God on your side you will make it. You just don't know what is in store from day to day and you have to make the most of everyday you have, every breath you take and push through those impossible days. Your kids will grow up too fast, your spouse and yourself will age and most likely have health obstacles and such, crap happens( like someone ramming into your parked car and driving off) but make the most of the GOOD THINGS in life. Focus on the positive and you WILL get through the bad. I love you Eric! I have learned so much from you and your example. I will be looking forward to that special day when I see you again and we are a forever family. I am so blessed to have the knowledge of the Gospel, to be married to a worthy Priesthood holder, to be the mother of two sweet little boys, I have some really amazing friends, loving parents and relatives, an eternal perspective on life(it gets overshadowed sometimes I'm not going to lie, I'm by no means perfect) but most of all I know my Savior lived and died for me and loves me. Through all the pain, grief, sorrow, and darkness there is hope, there is light and there will always be someone there to comfort you if you have a little faith, and if your best friend or spouse etc. are super awesome! I still miss you like crazy Eric and that will never change.

Here is a picture that makes me happy and sad. This is part of the 30 day blog I've been doing( this post is for day 6, 7, & 8)
Me and my brothers on my wedding day. I sure love them!