Halloween pics first!
I know it took me a while but they were the cutest Peter Pan and Captain Hook I've ever seen. not that I'm biased:) Max came to me all worried after he excitedly got his costume on( they wore them for days before Halloween and I have lost count of how many times we watched the movie:) ) and sadly said" mommy, it's broken, can you fix it? I can't fly" It was so cute yet so sad.
* never mind the rest it's just a need to vent.
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I'm not one to share every detail of my life with the world. I love to share the good stuff, but personal things are well, personal. My boys are so entertaining, there's rarely a dull moment and I love to talk about the details of their lives. But It's to that point where I really need to vent and get it off my chest.
I'm sure you have all had times in your life where you feel like your burdens have become so heavy they will literally crush you. I seriously feel like my chest is so heavy that I will not be able to breathe. So here's the deal. I've been losing my hair like crazy, I can't sleep, yet all I want to do is sleep-ya it doesn't make sense to me either. I am extremely emotional, irritable and just a complete disaster. I've had a weird sore throat, but not really my throat...In order to load the dishwasher or vacuum my house I have to eat a brownie or candy bar, something with sugar to get even the simplest things done. I can barely drive, I'm always dizzy, always hot, always longing to just close my eyes!
After a million vials of blood drawn, more like a dozen, but still it's a lot. And who knows how many co pays, bills and Dr. visits, we have some answers, but nothing is definitive yet. I have Hyperthyroidism, but possibly hypothyroidism as well. I didn't think it was possible to have both. At least I know why I am a mess and balding at 28. But it doesn't make me feel better. After some more tests and x-rays, I'll be on some medications to hopefully get me back to what myself and husband consider normal. I didn't realize just how much I took my hair for granted. I had awesome hair. It was healthy and fairly thick, I love that it's naturally dark, I love to get it colored for variety. I love doing it all curly, it held curl so well. I love how long it is. And now....I'm afraid to wash it, to blow dry it, to curl it( well it won't curl really anymore) and my house is covered in all of my lost hair no matter how much I vacuum(shhhh I've been raiding my kids Halloween candy).
Anyone reading this probably thinks I am extremely vain... I know there are so many things to be grateful for. I am extremely blessed! I know that. I know that things could be so much worse. But at the same time, I am not myself. I feel like an alien has taken over my body. (This alien must hate long dark hair) I am more depressed than I have been in so long. I was doing really really good for so long( thanks to an excess in retail therapy, caring friends and medication). Now I feel like I can't control anything, I'm back to the old disaster I used to be. I cry over the dumbest things. It is just awful. Crying in the shower as your hair falls out by the handful is totally understandable, most everything else is pretty lame. I am really praying that I get some answers asap, that I can get the right treatment and not have further complications. I just want to be a good mom and wife. Honestly that's it...and I want my hair back. I want energy to laugh, run and play with my kids. I want to joyfully clean up spilled chocolate milk instead of lying on the kitchen floor crying over it-ya I've lost it. Stupid hormones. Anyway, here's a rant from me and here's to getting me all medicated and back to my old self.
I mean the only positive side to all of this is that I can eat as much chocolate as I want- but I kind of did that anyway and just went jogging or riding my bike after...now I don't have to sweat it off. I can no longer keep my eyes open so it's off to bed for now. Don't pity me I just wanted to stop holding in some of my frustrations. I have the most handsome adorable boys in the world, that ask everyday "mommy, are you all better yet?" and they have been super patient, extra snugly and I really want to believe that they have made an effort to be less mischievous for now.
5 comments:
Cutest costumes ever! Love them and think it is hilarious that Cole and Max were the same thing.
I have always thought of you as one that did share your personal life, now I'm curious what you're hiding from the world. =) Sorry the past little while has been so rough. Love ya!
Emily- Hang in there! I have felt EXACTLY the way you have felt, and believe me... with the right Doctors, your going to get the help you need and your going to start feeling better. Don't worry about the depression, the crying, the hair loss, the lack of energy, etc. because once they put you on the right meds then all those things will come back! Your hair will grow back (which will be annoying because you will have little fly aways for a while) but it will come back! There is hope! Just hang in there and it will eventually all work out. Thyroid controls all hormones- seratonin, your menstrual cycle, etc. etc. and it will all come back to normal with the right meds. It may take a while, but just hang in there! It will get better. I know it is scary, I know it is REALLY REALLY HARD, and no one understands until you have gone through it, but I know you will make it through this and it will all work out! Just take it easy. DOn't worry about doing everything or really anything. Just breathe. Just sit on the couch and watch your kids. Housework can come later. Everything can come later. Just be. Just love your little ones. Just really on Heavenly Father that he is giving you this trial for you to learn something. Search your scriptures and let this crappy experience happen, for when it is all over you will be soooo much more grateful for your health! I have experienced all that you have gone through, from the goiter, (maybe your is a little different) the lack of energy, the hair falling out, the depression, the saddness, everything. I always thought in my mind- "this too shall pass!!" and it did for me, and it will for you. Don't beat your self up, you are a great mother, friend and wife. You just have to exerience the sorrow to truly enjoy the sweet.
Love you! let me know if you need anything! I can come clean, bring dinner (or treats) watch the boys so you can nap, or can just come talk! I'm just a phone call away
you really should talk to my mom. she has both hyper and hypo as well. she has not been herself for months. she has had all the same symptoms as you have had. i feel like i have lost my mom at times! she has good and bad days and sometimes she feels awesome and others she feels like crap. she has had to have multiple tests and might have to have a biopsy on her thyroid. if you want to talk to someone who is going through he exact same thing, she would be more than willing to talk to you about it. i hope you find the treatment that works perfect for you and get on the road to feeling better. i want both you and my mom to get it all worked out! im glad you finally know what it is so you have the tools to get back to your normal healthy self! hang in there! love ya!
This is one of those times I truly regret not being close by. Know you're in our prayers, and we are thinking of you. Sorry things have been hard!
i just wanted to say that no one thinks you are vain. i cry cuz my eyelashes are not long enough but yes i am vain. and if you ever need to talk im right across the street and although I am not going thru the exact same thing, you know that I definalty know how it feels to be hormonal and crazy cuz i do share my personal life...to much.. but come over and we will eat some chocolate together.
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