Expect the unexpected.
Just when you think you have life figured out, or at least planned out- you don't. We waited almost six years to have this little guy. We went through a long road of fertility issues and painful treatments. We were finally having our miracle baby. Most of the worry was about me making it full term, and finishing my finals before he came. I thought the worst part would be dealing with another c-section recovery again, they are brutal. You can't laugh, sneeze or cough, you can't lift anything but your baby...which is still not as easy as it should be. You can't even enjoy lying on your back. You even have to do some seriously tricky moves just to get out of bed to pee. Add two other children and endless school projects and it gets real exciting. Then the other factor, I don't have any blood sisters. Nope, none. No one to vent to, or send on smoothie runs, or convince me I will get through this, or to just snuggle up my baby while I sleep. Andy is great, but he only has so many days he can take off and he's well, not a woman. He doesn't get the emotional stuff. Bless his heart. I can't complain to much, I have been blessed with Karin, she's better than a sister. I don't have any to compare to, but she is simply amazing. She was able to fly out for a few days to be with me in the hospital, and I couldn't have made it through the unexpected events in the hospital without her!
December 14th- Some of this is jumbled together, I'm still sleep deprived and emotional just thinking about any of it.
It was like Christmas, we woke up early with so much anticipation! My boys had a sleepover at grandma's with the cousins and would be anxiously waiting to come visit later today.
The IV was awful, after numerous failed attempts and a swollen purple hand, I figured the spinal would be the last hurdle. The spinal stings like a really bad bee sting but then you are instantly numb. It isn't too bad, just weird, but it made me extremely sleepy. I didn't have that problem with my other two. But I remember my eyes getting so heavy! I had to fight so hard to stay awake. Thankfully my will power succeeded. Then I got a quick glimpse of a big 8 lb beautiful boy. But my heart dropped when I heard his cry. It didn't sound right.
I was laying there, totally numb, being stitched up and there wasn't anything I could do. Andy was great, he stayed by Graham's side(who didn't have a name yet), took a few quick pictures and stayed surprisingly calm. In what was seriously a blink of an eye Andy told me very quickly that Graham was having trouble breathing and that he needed to go to the NICU for some transitional breathing help. My instincts were to jump off the table and go with my baby...I didn't have any options really. Try being numb, strapped to an operating table, cut wide open. The anesthesiologist was sweet and grabbed Andy's camera to snap a family photo and then my baby was gone.
Everything pretty much went downhill from that moment on, for the next week. Seriously, a planned C-section for a full term baby that went terribly wrong all because he inhaled a TON of amniotic fluid and didn't respond to the typical rounds of treatment. Which lead to even more unexpected complications, a severe case of pneumonia and a long recovery.
What began as an exciting day with my husband and best friend,definitely ended up changing my life. I gained a new perspective about what really matters in life, also a whole lot of respect, and love for NICU nurses. My heart goes out to those that have experienced much longer stays in the NICU. This felt like eternity. I can only imagine what months in there would be like. I also found a new level of love for REAL friends, and sincere gratitude for answered prayers. When you experience heartbreaking nightmares, there are certain people you should be able to count on, but when all is said and done you really do have your eyes opened to who really cares for you ...which in turn you also realize who didn't think you mattered enough to even call, or check in, let a lone a visit. Such is life, and for some people, in retrospect I honestly wasn't surprised. But it's good to learn who you can count on. After my experience from losing Eric and now this roller coaster with Graham, I've learned how to be more useful to my friends in their own times of need. Crisis requires way less asking and more doing, period.
I will be forever grateful for some of those nurses, they were incredible! I have a special place in my heart for them! Especially the ones that didn't mind me being there until two or three in the morning until Andy dragged me home. They taught me a lot,I appreciated their honesty, and the ones that broke some rules for us so I could hold my baby sooner, nurse him sooner and eventually get him well enough to go home sooner than planned.
I am so blessed to have Andy in my life! He was glued to Graham's side. Mostly because I couldn't always be there and he knew I wanted him close to Graham in case anything happened...which it did, numerous times actually. He had a hard time leaving me alone in my room to pump, cry, attempt to sleep and recover. Which was a joke, and super obnoxious. It would have been a lot less stressful if rooming with Graham could have been an option. No new mother should have to be separated from her baby. It is torture. It was also extremely lonely and depressing. I'm so thankful that things eventually got better. Prayers were answered.
So close to 8 lbs they rounded up and said I should be proud He looked perfect! Just didn't sound perfect and that's when things went downhill fast.
My rock star husband! He really amazed me through this experience. He wanted to learn everything he could, and help with everything too. He was super involved and the nurses adored him. He became an honorary junior NICU nurse quickly. Because of my c-section I was pretty limited in what I could do for the first several days.
Kasey! My heart is forever changed because of her. She stayed with Graham for extra shifts, she went above and beyond. She loves her job and is amazing. She was honest with me, I knew she'd give it to me straight. She saw me at my weakest moments and helped us through the toughest days. I was a total mess! Seriously an incredible woman!
I'm grateful Karin was here for the first three days of this long nightmare. She was an angel.
My parents had my boys, who all became sick with horrible colds the next day. My boys weren't going to be able to meet Graham until he came home. You had to be 14 and older to go in the NICU anyway, but this made it even harder. My kids were sick and I couldn't take care of them. They couldn't even come visit me, I felt so torn as a mother. It took nightmare to a new level. All of this, right before Christmas, and the fact we were going to probably spend Christmas in the hospital. Not an ideal situation, but I constantly reminded myself, my baby was alive, and things can always be much worse. I'm grateful that my kids were in good hands and that I didn't have to worry about them getting to and from and taken to doctor appointments etc. Not that there were many options. My parents, the obvious choice, and a few generous friends/neighbors had offered too.
Pictures and details:
We weren't able to hold him because of the sedation and uncertainty of infection. So I sat by him and did the only thing I could. We had a lot of little talks. I wanted him to hear my voice as he was fed with the feeding tube. He was super sedated so I don't know if he heard anything but it made me feel a little better. I was doing my best to stay positive and hopeful. What choice did I have? So I continually prayed that Graham was in good hands and that they would figure out the problem quickly.
I thought this cpap machine was awful, I had no idea what we were in for next. He took a turn for the worst. He wasn't breathing on his own, or making any progress.
Getting a phone call in your hospital room at 2 in the morning, that you need to get to the NICU immediately, your baby isn't breathing and needs to be intubated, is earth shattering. This moment proved just how serious and life threatening things had become for my sweet baby.
The test results were inconclusive...he had a lumbar puncture and more tests. Talk about torture. It was so hard not knowing what was wrong and why he wasn't getting better. Especially after I was initially told he needed a couple hours, then maybe a day or two in the NICU. Not 10 -14 days, then turned into definitely 14. It was hard to stay positive. We were crushed.
Thankfully after numerous pleading prayers, and priesthood blessings he did not have meningitis. But the pneumonia was confirmed. They were also putting an IV in his umbilical cord , which meant I still wouldn't be able to hold him for days. My eyes swelled shut from all the tears, I had to use hot wash clothes to even open them.
After a half hour of crying and pleading over the phone from my room they gave in and let me hold him. Those minutes were priceless! Especially not knowing just how many days I'd have to wait to hold him again. I was desperate for anything! I also needed to be sure of his name.
This is real life. My eyes were almost swollen shut from crying. My husband is the best! Wiping my tears, while I finally got to hold my precious little boy for a minute before they put the umbilical IV and picc line in. This was such a special moment for us. I was reminded just how precious life is, and just how lucky I am to have an eternal family and a worthy Priesthood holder for a husband. Marriage is totally about team work, and I'm grateful we've both put forth the much required effort for our little family.
The umbilical IV... I wasn't allowed to hold him for the several days it was in. At least they wouldn't have to prick his poor little feet anymore. Seriously the hardest days of my life.He was heavily sedated, had the feeding tube, and the breathing tube. The picc line came later that afternoon. He was so sick and sedated. This picture will always remind me just how sick he became, and how lucky we are that prayers were answered. He had amazing care in the NICU!
These moments hurt my heart so deeply. I'm glad he was sedated and didn't have to feel the pain his body was in, from the pneumonia and all of the tubes and needles. The entire ten days are kind of a blur but with answered prayers we made it to this special day.
My early Christmas!
Best day ever! I finally got to really hold him. They took the umbilical IV out and the breathing tube. He was finally able to breathe with the high pressure cannula.
This moment means so much to me. It was filled with so much hope, answered prayers and comforted my broken heart.
Happy dad! Yes, I finally shared him.
In my defense, he got to hold him right after he was born while I was being stitched up. I had to wait for DAYS! The nurses had to practically pry him out of my arms every time they needed to check him etc. seriously a great day after so many heart wrenching scary ones.
The positive thing about the breathing tube was that we could see more of his sweet little face than with the cpap.
Did you know Santa makes special visits to the NICU?
Today was a really great day. He started looking so much better. I've been able to nurse him and hold him the last three days and I'm amazed at the progress!They still were very set on 14 days but I was holding out for a Christmas miracle, and he gave me so much hope after that day. Andy still had to drag me home every night, but I left with hope.
This whole experience broke me. I am forever changed. I could not have pushed through and put myself somewhat back together if it weren't for Andy and Karin. I don't have any sisters, but I have Karin, and that is worth bragging about. She is one incredible friend!
He looks so much better today! Planning to transition to the low pressure cannula tonight.
Going home! After ten insane days, we will be home for Christmas!!!
They don't get any cuter than this! He started to become more alert today. His little face makes my heart happy!!! I'm so grateful to have my baby home with me and celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas all together as a family. Keeping it quiet, nice, and simple. The way it should be.
I may have not been able to take him out for the newborn photo shoot I had planned, or even the hospital ones because of his tubes etc. but none of that mattered when I was faced with the possibility of not bringing him home at all. So crazy how your perspective on life can change so quickly. You realize exactly what really matters. But I was lucky that I have photographer Andy at my disposal.
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